Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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