I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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