Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
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Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
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There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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