But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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