If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I stole a fireplace last night.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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