Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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