if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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