hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Can't talk, ducks in the car
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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