I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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