Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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