so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
