Where is the hickey?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
