I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
