I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
