you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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