The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Randomize
