when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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