This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
