I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
