wat bout pragnant strippers??
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
