theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
