He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
