Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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