It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Welp...herpes.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
