Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I want to fling myself into the sun
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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