Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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