This is not my ceiling
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
