i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
