Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
