i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
