What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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