The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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