I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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