Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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