I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Randomize
