Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
