Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
