i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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