If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
