I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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