sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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