Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
