well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I am one with the molecules
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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