i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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