Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
