i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
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As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
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On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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