1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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