Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
