Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
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Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
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The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
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