the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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