I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
