Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
