I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
