Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
