I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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