I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help