me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
