I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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