Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
